FERN
Basically I’m a cockney, Sarf London girl
who was named after a plant.
There are Ferns all over the roads
and also indoors in nice clay pots.
Transparency, as the world knows, completely defines my outlook.
I could patronise people, sugar coating everything I say,
giving them unrealistic dreams.
But then, I would just be wasting people’s time.
And mine. Obviously.
My personality guarantees I hang out with tons of friends.
Snapping awful photos and getting drunk together,
leads us, most of the times, to dingy nightclubs
with the pleasure of meeting creepy guys.
By the way there’s another English bloke after me,
unsurprisingly too boring and dumb.
Besides those moments
when inexplicably some weirdness takes over him
and he finds dancing gangnam style appropriate,
he is a very formal person
who would never sneak into other cinema screens,
demonstrate pole-dancing moves
or do some unorthodox banging.
A two minute missionary position
is even worse than Pieter Hugo and his fake UV.
He also loves telling me really bad chat up lines
which include saying I must be tired
‘cause I’ve been running through his mind all day.
Naturally I can´t avoid being attracted to foreign guys,
less socially retarded, less drunk and more romantic.
Fern and kinkiness just can´t live without each other
and, fulfilling my nature, I like to take charge.
Nowadays a lot of guys are even more shy,
how can I get anything if I am just holding on tight?
The only traditional thing I can´t avoid fancying
is having him paying for everything, all the time.
If you do that, baby I am yours.
However, not including kinky business,
I have been waiting quite a lot.
Waiting for my dad to return
to our modernized ex-council flat
so I can congratulate her on her loss;
waiting for my first term marks to come out
but, of course, Sunil Gupta is too busy visiting saunas;
waiting for the moment
where I won´t have to explain a thousand times what’s infrared.
This would be great.
There are other things I will need to get by myself,
such as paying back my student debt
and having a living room with lots of Moroccan furniture.
Even if I have to work hard,
I would never sell my 38inch hair at any price.
Also, my dreams will never include having children.
Who would get pleasure out of waking up at three in the morning
to give the baby a bottle?
I like shopping, travelling, shooting.
Everything that doesn´t involve mopping puke and wiping butts.
One or two boyfriends are definitely enough.
And family and friends.
My rules in life are simple:
you can do everything since you’re hurting no one.
And, as Jeremy Kyle says: “Put something on the end of it”
