I ignore you, I leave you hanging, you’re hurting, I hurt you even further... I annoy you, you annoy me, we don’t get each other, we have problems, we confront each other, we struggle financially, we just moved to a new place, there’s a lot in your plate, there’s a whole other lot in mine... I struggle, I don’t like to have as many responsibilities, I don’t get it, I want to change, I need a change, I try to change you instead. It doesn’t work, I don’t really want you changed, I don’t mean it, but I need something to change, I have no idea what it is. I need this to get better already, I don’t think I was really arguing about that one thing I made it all about, I think it was more than that, I can’t control it, you can, I love you, you have reason enough not to believe it.
I wish I was different, I wish it didn’t hurt like this, I know you love me, I just don’t get you, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, oh, wait, I do. Everything, every fucking thing that goes on it’s wrong with me, I am wrong with it, I have a problem, no, many problems...with everything. I don’t like myself, I don’t like other people either, I criticize, I talk badly, negatively about others but then it must be my subconscious reflecting my problems on others, trying to understand their purposes when I don't get to see my own for what it is. I stopped believing in fairytales a long time ago, it was rather a process and hope went down a hill of decadence. Now, well now I just believe life is shit, and I’m waiting for it to shit me all over. Experts say I am depressed, but depression is supposed to mean that the one experiencing it, is sad. I don't feel sad, actually I'm mad as hell, mad at life, mad at my parents who broke my spirit, mad at me for letting them. But life is not doing that at all, shitting me over I mean, nor is it trying to steal my thunder. Instead, life gave me you. You who I should be more than able to appreciate because all of the shit I’ve already been through... but I don’t. I just don’t because you’re not perfect, or because I’m not, or because I argued before with someone, anyone or maybe just because I nearly had an accident before and I loath the way people in this town should drive recklessly, putting at danger even the most careful of humans. I’m completely unbalanced, I want to smoke my life away, I want to take my life away. Why? Well, precisely because I am not that intelligent, because I don’t manage to get my life, feelings or emotions under control. Everything is all over the place and I don’t do anything to put it where it goes, I just keep going, messing around with the life I was given, the one I don’t treasure enough knowingly, consciously. And then there’s people out there wanting to live, fighting for their lives like crazy, I feel ashamed, and even more, as if that was possible, mad at myself.
